Last Year

I bought this little decor item as a post-Christmas gift for myself as a reminder of what I did last year.

Last year, I said goodbye to my husband five times, each time knowing the stretch of time before I saw him again would be longer.

Last year, I said see-you-later to the dearest group of mom friends I have ever had, and fought little by little to make brand new mom friends.

I spent five months living in an apartment with my four kids and no husband, except for the couple of nights he visited before deploying.

I searched for a house, bought a house, moved into a house, and set up a house that my husband has never seen and will not see for several more months.

Last year, I survived my 17th wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, my 40th birthday, Christmas, and New Year's Eve but missed my man every second.

Last year, I learned that fighting doubt and anxiety is exhausting, terrible work and that lowering expectations is a perfectly acceptable, but humbling, coping strategy.

I loved my children through a 2600+ mile road trip, attitude adjustments (before, during, and after), their own anxiety struggles, and plenty of too-big feelings they are ill-equipped to handle.

I found joy and peace in doing the one thing in front of me and putting one foot in front of the other each day, despite my longing to just stop time and stop being in charge of everything for a bit.

You see, I am strong. And I knew that. But I had no idea the kinds of tough emotions and stressful challenges I would face in 2016. I simply had no choice but to love my husband and my children and get through it somehow. I suppose I did have a choice, but no other option was okay with me. I might not have always done it with as much grace or love as I was capable of, but when I woke up on New Year's Day, I realized...

This year is the year my husband comes home.

This year is the year I cultivate my newfound strength into personal growth.

This year is the year that no matter how daunting the day, I know I can face whatever life hands me.

Because that's what we do, and there is no other acceptable path. Whether you deal with deployment, divorce, death, discord, disease, or something else, when life hands you adversity (and only then) God will reveal the hidden depth of the strength He planted deep in our souls.

5 days down, 360 to go! To God be the glory!

One Plate at a Time

I'm juggling a few too many plates these days. Usually, I do that by choice, but currently it's all just being thrust upon me. The books on my nightstand are a testimony to the chaos of life these days. For a while I was stuck like a deer in headlights again, not knowing where to turn or which task to tackle next.

I'm trying to pass off all of my volunteer roles as quickly as possible, since we will be moving as soon as our house sells. I am preparing to list our house for sale as soon as my husband leaves for his pre-deployment training in about a month. And of course, I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of deployment on a practical and emotional level, so I can be present to my children who will need me more than ever this coming year. Those children also need to eat and do chores and continue their homeschool studies, and ideally have a mom who finds some joy and not just sorrow in our coming year. It's a lot.

In fact, all of my friends keep asking me how I'm doing, and I really don't know. I'm keeping my head above water. I'm crying at least once a day. I know that God is with me, and I feel the comfort of His love. I'm definitely not sleeping well. The kids are enjoying that I'm saying "yes" to a lot of their requests for Easter candy and screen time. I'm pouring every ounce of energy into my husband when he is home. My to-do lists are pages and pages long, so there are many moments of recognizing my inadequacy to do it all.

But I have settled upon a daily goal that seems to be working, for now, to keep myself moving forward and not melting in a puddle of irrational emotions like a teenage girl (It probably helps that I witness this regularly to understand how ridiculous it can be!).

My goal: Each day I try to spend time with each of my plates. Some days I spend more time on one than another, but if I at least do one thing from each area, I feel like I am doing more than just surviving.

I might email about a Moms' Night Out, pre-pack one room, listen to a podcast about deployment, check that my name is on all financial accounts, read aloud to my kids, order a Walmart grocery pick up for the next day, make clean up more fun by bribing kids with jellybeans, write out lesson plans for the next month, get on the treadmill while watching an episode of The Good Wife (hooked, I admit it) or Lark Rise to Candleford (finally back on Amazon Prime!), and spend some time reading a novel before bed. And it's a full day.

There is one key element that I think is making this work. I'm anchoring my days in prayer. In the morning, even though I'm back to my old pre-Lenten habit of waking up when my little ones wake up, after feeding them breakfast I sit on the couch with my tea for morning prayers. Because I'm so exhausted, I find myself lying down in the middle of the afternoon, the perfect time to pick up my nightstand rosary and pray a Chaplet. And I'm often falling asleep with my rosary in my hands, usually not completing an entire rosary, but finding peace in the prayers.

What do you do when your plates are spinning out of control? If you don't have a strategy that works for you, try to choose one task from each plate, big or small, each day. I'd love to hear if this works for you or not! (Disclaimer: it might not; God made us all different!)

Seeing Things Differently

Everything looks different through the lenses of this new place I mentioned yesterday.

While friends IRL and on FB are endlessly discussing presidential elections and politics, I am stepping away from that chaos. I do care who wins the election, but I cannot expend too much energy there now. When various friends and acquaintances share dramatic situations of their own, I find myself pulling back a bit, listening perhaps, but not diving in. Our current reality is that my husband and children need me and my mind here in this present moment, not thinking about others as much.

My husband's civilian job requires unpredictable hours. I do not always know when he will be home in the evening, and my orderliness often sticks to our dinner, bath, prayer, bedtime routines whether he is here or not. But if there's a chance he'll be home, I find myself tweaking the plan to make room for him now. We are consulting on things more than before and trying not to go our separate parallel ways, as we sometimes do, to maximize our time together.

I have canceled attending a homeschooling conference this week that I had been looking forward to for months. As I reviewed the schedule of talks this weekend, I realized I am no longer excited about attending. A dear friend helped to name the cause of my ambivalence. When I told her I am sure if I still go I will hear inspiring ideas and much food for thought, she finished the thought I couldn't articulate - "none of which you will be able to process, right now." Yes. That.

The physical health of my family, including myself, seems more pressing now than it did a few weeks ago. I know I can personally handle stress best when I am regularly eating well, sleeping enough, exercising even just a little bit, and enjoying our marital embrace. So I know my children and husband need this, as well, and will need these things in the coming year. Besides, it's easier to blink back the tears when I'm well rested.

Basically, the entire paradigm in my mind of what this spring, summer, and next school year will look like has shifted. I am mentally preparing to ask for and accept the help from friends and family that I know I will need. Asking for help is for the weak! But, not really. Accepting help is giving another person a chance to serve, and that's a strong thing. Part of me thinks I will need to simplify some aspects of our already very simple life, but the other part realizes I can't simplify much more because we will need added distractions when missing Dad.

So, for today, I am respecting and accepting this great dignity in supporting my husband as he serves our beloved country. I fell in love with and married a man who holds service to the United States of America as a core priority in his life, because he values the privileges of our freedom. I am grateful for the many men and women who currently serve and have served this great nation, and I honestly believe patriotism is a virtue, despite the chaos of our current government. I suppose homeschooling this year will include tremendous and irreplaceable lessons in all these things.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

A New Place

Today I write from a new place. A little over two weeks ago we learned that my husband will be deploying overseas this summer for a nine month support (non-combat) mission. This is his second year as a JAG reservist and will be our first deployment. I am so proud of this accomplishment and his heart for service, but that doesn't make it much easier emotionally as a wife and mother. 

While we previously knew it was a matter of when, not if, he would deploy, I don't think one can truly prepare for such news. It's not real until it is. I was initially in shock and emotionally distraught. We told the children, resilient little things, who shrugged off the seemingly faraway plans. My teen daughter said she understands it is just a part of Dad's job. My oldest son wanted to know if he would get to travel on a ship or military plane. I listened hidden in the next room, not yet able to show them the peaceful strength they need from me.

So for about a week I was in a daze, mindlessly putting one foot in front of the other, doing the things that had to be done, and letting the gravity of it sink in. Tears sprang to my eyes whenever I thought of being away from my husband so long and coping with the emotions of my children when they miss him (which broke my heart in two when he was gone for eight weeks of training a year and a half ago).

 

Then I realized I had to see people and answer questions (besides those very close friends and family who I pretty much demanded begin praying for us immediately) and I really didn't want to think about it. Details started to attack my brain whenever I imagined him away. All the work. All the responsibility. Little relief. There was so much to think about that I couldn't handle it, so I chose not to think, not to talk. I spent about a week feeling bitter and deliberately not thinking about or talking about all the things. I reluctantly sent an email to our homeschool group to share our news and explain that I wasn't able to talk about it in front of my children yet. Of course, I received a flood of prayers and offers of practical support from our generous community.

 

Last week I started to come out of that stage. I made a list of things to do in the next couple of months before he leaves for advance training. My husband and I started to chat about expectations while he is gone. I'm not sure what this new stage is, but I know I need to move on. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I also know I cannot move towards the sorrow of him leaving but towards the joy and hope of Christ. I am taking things one day at a time and trying to keep the worries at bay.

 

Humbly I ask for your prayers. I know this is only a tiny corner of the Internet, but I like it here. It's my place to share how God is working in my life, and I have a feeling I will have a lot to share in the coming year. But time to write might be more challenging! God has never failed to provide abundant graces for our family when we need them, and I know He will do the same during this new opportunity.