How Are You Doing?

Everyone keeps asking how I am doing, and I am honestly not sure how to respond. They ask on playgrounds and during play dates, in text messages and phone calls. But I just cannot settle on a short answer to this question. If I am going to be genuine with others, a one word summary just does not seem to work for me.

I am tired. The emotional burden of caring for four children who are sad and/or angry their daddy is gone and sad we are moving away is draining. The physical work of feeding, clothing, preparing to move, finishing our schoolwork, and keeping a reasonably clean house is exhausting. And I don't sleep as well without my husband when I finally do force myself to shut down my brain and turn out the light.

I am joyful. The challenges listed above are giving me new opportunities to connect with my children and serve them. It's only natural that when I see the lovely people I have grown to know and love all around me here in this city that I feel grateful for their presence in my life. I have no doubt that the Lord is guiding us through all of this, and His love is such a comfort and a joy.

I am humbled. This week alone four friends have asked to throw me going away parties, and while I would prefer to not make a big deal of me, I know it's because they care. When I resigned from the board of our local homeschool conference last week, it was overwhelming to think that I started it all with a dear friend and a vision five years ago. Clearly the ministry God had for me here was bigger than I could have imagined, and to see in hindsight the many ways He used me to connect others is simply embarrassing.

I am excited. The longest I have ever lived anywhere in my entire life has been the six years we have been here. It's home and a lovely place, but my personality likes change. I like the challenge of meeting new people and learning new things. Our reason for moving is to be closer to my family, and I will be so glad to see them regularly and watch my children enjoy their grandparents and uncle. Starting over is fun for me, and I look forward to organizing our new home and daily lives.

I am sad. Because my children are sad and I have to leave these fantastic friends. My heart almost stops each time I think of not seeing my husband for 9-10-11-12 months. So I hold back those tears and try not to think, so I can breathe. He is not here, and that hurts. I also often find myself thinking about our broken world and all the people who are so lost, and that makes me sad. I guess I keep coming back to the fact that I am so grateful for my faith to get me through these tough times, but too many are without God in their lives.

So, how am I? I'm tired, joyful, humbled, excited, sad, and taking things one day, one hour, one plate, one moment at a time. And if I stumble through an answer, sweet friends, that's what I really wanted to say when you asked.

For when I doubt...

We spent a month getting our house ready to sell. The uncertainty of the crazy market had us doubting we could come out with any kind of profit on selling our four-year-old home. So we scoured and staged from top to bottom. If there was something we could do with minimal expense to increase the likelihood of a sale, we did it. Half of my garage was filled floor to ceiling with "excess." My house was immaculate, appealing, and spacious, and I dreaded keeping it that way as long as would be necessary with four children and no husband to help. My anxiety was tangible.

You see, amidst that hard work, we also prepared to send my husband off for training and deployment. He's a reservist, and he's been activated. We bought what he needed and wanted, and he packed his gear three separate times (no kidding). He managed one-on-one dates with each of our children and took me out every Saturday night for a month. We rewrote our wills and prepared powers of attorney and sold his car. I took fresh pictures of each of the kids with their dad and bought frames that could record his voice. There were tears.

And then, the next time I doubt the Lord's generosity, I want to remember this particular week...

Day 0 - After a day of last things, we stuck the for-sale sign in the front yard and fell into bed exhausted. The house was officially listed for sale that evening. We were packed to leave the next morning to drop off my husband for pre-deployment training.

Day 1 - Having vacuumed our pretty carpet lines and set out the fancy towels, we left home and drove four hours to deliver things to the armory, his new civilian office, and ultimately my parents' house while the first house showing occurred. I received an email with feedback that night from that first showing that said, "Clients liked it and are submitting offer." Boom.

Day 2 - I dropped my husband off at the armory at sunrise. More on that goodbye another time. Around lunch we received an offer from the first showing; it was low and unacceptable. Meanwhile another showing was scheduled. Feedback from that one asked if we would accept a much higher cash offer to close in two weeks. (I will not write about my mental response to having to get out of my house in two weeks, because it involved cursing.) We were glad people like our house; we like it, too.

Day 3 - Realizing we may be moving sooner than expected, my daughter and I toured the only two apartment complexes within 15 miles of my parents' home that have four-bedroom units available in the next two months. (I had planned to get a more affordable three-bedroom, but my generous parents are upgrading our temporary accommodations.) We learned the second showing guy was a realtor who wanted to flip the house, so we told him to submit an official offer if he wanted us to consider it. Meanwhile, our realtor discussed a more appropriate offer with the first showing family of five (yes, I googled them).

Day 4 - By the end of day four, we had a signed contract for our full asking price with a bit of closing cost assistance and had decided to apply for the gorgeous first apartment we visited, partly because my daughter loved the pool. It would be ready the week of our closing date, the same week my brother had already planned to fly to our house for a visit. As one friend said when I told her about these dates all aligning, "God is just showing off, now." For a moment that night, we had second thoughts about the expense of the apartment. Maybe we could get a house for that much?

Day 5 - I spent a few hours researching rental houses in the area and nearby on-base housing. I even visited a rental house with a landlord willing to do a short-term lease, but none were in an area I felt safe alone with the kids. So that afternoon I completed the online application for that first apartment.

Day 6 - We were approved for the apartment, and spent most of the day visiting and playing with dear friends who live only a couple of miles away from our soon-to-be apartment home. My kindred-spirit friend listened and loved on me while our children played; we even had margaritas with our Taco Tuesday lunch! Afterwards, I took all the kids to see the apartment complex, and my oldest son, of course, noticed the stock of candy at the coffee bar in the clubhouse!

Day 7 - The children and I drove home to our "under contract" house without the stress of keeping it pristine at every moment. It was odd to walk in the door, knowing my husband wouldn't set foot in the house again. At the end of day seven, I fell into bed exhausted.

Yes, because God can move mountains when he wants, we are selling our house to the first buyers to view it on the first day it was available and moving into the first apartment we viewed. Throughout all of this, my husband and I were able to text regularly (which was a pleasant surprise), so he could weigh in on each decision. But in the end, it's absolutely clear that God is in control, and we are not.

Friends, family, and readers, feel free to direct me to this post the next time I freak out!

Who Moved My Cheese?

I read this short book (affiliate links) years ago when it came across my radar during the years of our used book business. Aside: yes, we had a home business selling used books online through Amazon for about five years, so it was my "job" to shop book sales and garage sales - heaven! And, "Who Moved My Cheese?" were the first words that popped into my husband's head two days ago when he finally got the phone call that yes, indeed, after years of hoping, praying, and searching for a way to move back to where my parents and brother live, once he gets back from his deployment, he will have a position awaiting him there thanks to a lateral job transfer!

The book is a quick, dare I say cute, parable about two mice and two humans who live in a maze and how they face the change in their lives, mostly written with a work environment in mind, but certainly applicable to personal change. In the end, (spoiler alert!) the characters learn that you cannot ignore or avoid change, you can only alter your attitude regarding the inevitable change in your life.

We half expected Tuesday's call, but it still came as a shock to both of us. My husband claims not to like change. He is definitely a creature of habit! But the fact that we have moved 8 times in our 16 years of marriage, all due to choices we made about his career, kind of makes me doubt that claim just a wee bit! As for me, because I moved 6 times before I got to high school, I kind of like the excitement of moving and starting over. So I have been ready and wanting to move for a while, but I really didn't imagine it would happen during this deployment year. Yikes! Stress!

So today I put Who Moved My Cheese? on hold at our local library, along with the teen version, which I didn't know existed until now! I plan to read one (both?) aloud to my kids and spend some time talking through what's coming. This year will be full of change for us, and I need all the resources I can get to help my family navigate this road. Please continue to pray for us! And check out the book if you need a new perspective on coping with change.