Wednesday, June 1, 2016

How Are You Doing?

Everyone keeps asking how I am doing, and I am honestly not sure how to respond. They ask on playgrounds and during play dates, in text messages and phone calls. But I just cannot settle on a short answer to this question. If I am going to be genuine with others, a one word summary just does not seem to work for me.

I am tired. The emotional burden of caring for four children who are sad and/or angry their daddy is gone and sad we are moving away is draining. The physical work of feeding, clothing, preparing to move, finishing our schoolwork, and keeping a reasonably clean house is exhausting. And I don't sleep as well without my husband when I finally do force myself to shut down my brain and turn out the light.

I am joyful. The challenges listed above are giving me new opportunities to connect with my children and serve them. It's only natural that when I see the lovely people I have grown to know and love all around me here in this city that I feel grateful for their presence in my life. I have no doubt that the Lord is guiding us through all of this, and His love is such a comfort and a joy.

I am humbled. This week alone four friends have asked to throw me going away parties, and while I would prefer to not make a big deal of me, I know it's because they care. When I resigned from the board of our local homeschool conference last week, it was overwhelming to think that I started it all with a dear friend and a vision five years ago. Clearly the ministry God had for me here was bigger than I could have imagined, and to see in hindsight the many ways He used me to connect others is simply embarrassing.

I am excited. The longest I have ever lived anywhere in my entire life has been the six years we have been here. It's home and a lovely place, but my personality likes change. I like the challenge of meeting new people and learning new things. Our reason for moving is to be closer to my family, and I will be so glad to see them regularly and watch my children enjoy their grandparents and uncle. Starting over is fun for me, and I look forward to organizing our new home and daily lives.

I am sad. Because my children are sad and I have to leave these fantastic friends. My heart almost stops each time I think of not seeing my husband for 9-10-11-12 months. So I hold back those tears and try not to think, so I can breathe. He is not here, and that hurts. I also often find myself thinking about our broken world and all the people who are so lost, and that makes me sad. I guess I keep coming back to the fact that I am so grateful for my faith to get me through these tough times, but too many are without God in their lives.

So, how am I? I'm tired, joyful, humbled, excited, sad, and taking things one day, one hour, one plate, one moment at a time. And if I stumble through an answer, sweet friends, that's what I really wanted to say when you asked.