The days are hard, right now. This season of mothering, the worries of the world outside these four walls, and the weight of daily duties wear me thin before I even get out of bed each morning, and they keep me up at night, very, very late. I try to escape in Facebook and Amazon Instant Videos, but I know I need more God.
Yet, in prayer, I recognize that He is all around me every day. I have these four beautiful, remarkable children who are healthy and happy (most days). My husband is my rock and my encourager, my best friend and my true love. There is nothing we need that we cannot obtain, and we enjoy leisure and indulgences regularly. We are blessed, and it is all from Him. Every day, as I snuggle with my toddler and chat with my tween-ager, I feel His presence, guiding me, and I acknowledge Him with gratitude and cry to Him for assistance many times every day. I have absolute faith that He is real and offers to me (and to all of us) tremendous graces every day.
|Caught by my son in a rare moment actually sitting down|
The 30 minutes of Adoration I was able to enjoy last week sped by so that it seemed like five minutes. Such precious time with my Savior. I want to spend a little quiet time in prayer every day, and I have wanted that for a long time. It is a reasonable goal, yes? At home, though, there is always something else I could be doing, and I am reluctant to take the time to sit and pray, to rest in His presence. There are always interruptions either from my children or my restless mind.
Gazing upon the Eucharist, I beg for his help. I desire prayer. How can I make it happen? In the past, I have had to pray for the desire to pray, so I reflect on the almost burning desire that currently pursues me. The challenge I hear in my heart is crushing: Desire is not enough. An act of my will is the only way to respond to the immense love of my Almighty God.
Not to say that my response is required for any particular graces to be poured upon me or my loved ones. No, Jesus's love is so wide and so deep that He will shower us with graces even when we do not acknowledge Him at all. Nevertheless, since I truly desire to grow in my faith, a response is demanded not by God, but by my own desire.
|Jesus, I Trust in You|
How will I respond to His love? That is the only question I need to answer each day. I can allow distractions to rule me, or I can conquer them with an act of love of my own. If I want to grow in relationship with my Lord, I absolutely must give back to Him the first tithe of the precious time He has given me.
In Confession a few days after this inner dialogue, I was offered advice. Father clarified that this is not my penance but instead is something he believes would make a big impact to turn from the sins I confessed and answer the challenge I heard in Adoration. He urges me to find 30 minutes a day where I can go into my room, close my door, and be with Him. This priest is wise and understands well the challenges of a homeschooling mother, but he insists that the lesson I can teach my children through requesting of them these 30 minutes of uninterrupted time is more valuable than the math or the writing lessons. I know he is right.
That was Friday. Today is Monday. I moved our recliner from the living room into my bedroom today, to give myself a place to sit and pray. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day, I will explain to my children Father's advice and take the plunge. My will is so weak. It is so hard to sit still.
|The recliner with laundry symbolically and literally impeding my progress|
Bless Your Heart!