Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Avoiding Action

Dryness. It happens to us all. Something happens in our lives, whether good or bad, and we fall away from prayer. We forget the spiritual progress and vision of holiness and become dull. It has happened to me before. It is happening again. And, every time, I must be the one to take the first significant step back towards God and let Him do the rest.

When we are dry, wandering aimlessly, moving through days in a fog, how is it that we can begin again? I spent days pondering this thought, noticing my quiet time with God had evaporated into moments here and there, between movements from one chore or task to another, getting into bed, getting out of bed. And even then, my prayers were either a determined "I will praise matter what" (as if I was trying to convince myself rather than actually do any praising) or a whining "Lord, help me!"

I realize that many saints have experienced a dark night of the soul, but I distinguish dryness from this in that dryness is due to my failure to act. While I do not know much about those dark nights, I have read a little and have seen that those saints stayed faithful and kept praying and hoping even when they felt abandoned. So, that is why I distinguish the two; I might be wrong.

Anyway, I am not known for being very decisive. I can be opinionated, yes, but when it comes to making simple decisions about which I do not have strong feelings or the choice isn't really important, I am not your gal. Remember sitting on a curb in summer with your best friend in junior high? --- "What do you want to do?" --- "I don't know; what do you want to do?" --- That's me!

But, I have been asking God to help me here. There is so much going on in my life that I know this dryness will not be overcome by indecision, and it is too easy to just let it be. And, of course, He has given me a few ideas. Here they are, in no particular order. Writing them might just help me choose one and act, since any one would be a significant step, at this point. Warning - you're about to see the cynic in me.

1. Go to Confession. I have lots of excuses for this one. No mortal sins. No time. No good priest. Not convenient. Children.

2. Go to Adoration. I am avoiding this, because I am pretty sure I will just cry, and I am so tired of crying. I do not want to whine to God, and when I do that, I feel worse rather than better. Silly me.

3. Read a spiritual book. Most of the books on my "to read" shelf are spiritual in nature. None of them appeal to me. It's like I just don't want to hear it, right now. So, I'm reading the Lord of the Rings. Talk about avoidance!

4. Resume a daily Rosary. I already say a decade a day with the children. The Rosary has never really been my thing; I've always prayed it more out of duty. How can that really help?

5. Journal. I abandoned my journal months ago, because it was all about me whining to God. I'm not sure what to write or say to Him at this point.

6. Pray for others. This one is the best option, I think, but it seems like slipping in the back door, avoiding the real issues. What do you think?

In sharing these, I realize that my real problem is that all the words I want to say/pray to God are whiny, and I am terrible at being silent. Now, I know there are more baby steps I could take. Can you give me some more ideas to make my decision even more challenging?!

The bottom line is that God and I are in a stalemate. He is waiting for me to act. I am avoiding Him. That can't be good. Please pray for me and feel free to tell me what you think I should do. If you're in a similar spot, let me know which one you did or will do soon!

1 comment:

Kathleen's Time said...

Hi there how refreshing to read a blog that is so honest and humble .I'm a Catholic mom of four that home-schooled .The kids are grown now and have a grand child.Many tears also but it always brings me to the cross . I think that some of us are chosen to be by the cross and next to His Sorrowful Mother to better comfort Him in a different way. So embrace the tears they are there for a reason and hold the children tight because they grow too fast.